There’s something about today. Maybe because I woke up before the sun. Maybe because I am meeting a man. Maybe because it has been raining all night or maybe because the Full Moon is two days away. It feels melancholy but loaded with potential. Like if you can just see past the ego and tap into the Universal Energy you will feel the love and all the sorrow will drip away from your soul like wax off a candle. Maybe I am just full of hope and love and positivity because today could be the day I meet the man of my dreams. And he becomes my reality.
So many of us constantly feel the urge to escape what it is we are feeling….. we do it with caffeine, sugar, alcohol, drugs….whatever we can get our hands on. I recently went out for coffee (the irony is not lost on me) with a beautiful kind hearted woman I used to work with…. she is struggling with addiction. To alcohol. To weed. She was describing a mutual acquaintance of ours who had been on the clean and sober band wagon for 3 months and then decided to go out and get drunk. So messed up drunk that her pregnant sister had to come and get her…… and I was just sitting there thinking…I know so many of these people. People who have been conditioned into this lifestyle of getting drunk every week its normal. Now I know this isn’t exactly a news flash but why is this happening? What can we do…I do… to help these people? Because I can tell you from the bottom of their soul they don’t want to be like this… a slave to addiction but it is a tale as old of time. How did it get like this? Our society and culture has shaped this behaviour. I know women who go to bed with ‘beer’ or ‘wine’ every night, husbands stinking of their reward for getting through a work day. And I think how sad…. Life wasn’t meant to be numbed but somehow we have fallen for the illusion that it is our prize for living it.
I have a lot of issues. Nobody’s perfect. One such issue is that I am 31 years old and have not found my person. The person who is my sun and sky, who will grow with me, laugh with me, cry with me and everything in between. My sister who is the tender age of 23 has just gotten engaged. She found him at 21. 21 years of age. Believe me when I say from my whole heart and soul that I am happy for her, they are beautiful together. They balance each other out perfectly. So why did I have a massive melt down when I found out they were getting married? Because of fear. Fear that I will never find the one I love. Will never have the life I dream of every night. Fear I will never become a Mum and start my own beautiful little family. Fear. That huge, ugly, horrible monster that lives in everyone’s closet. I fucking hate that monster. So why do I let him rule my world? I don’t. Fucking. Know.
I have done all sorts of healing work. Working on my soul, my energy, on acceptance…. but the one thing I cannot seem to get past is the unwavering belief that I will meet him. I have just never believed it will happen for me. I never truly realised this until today. My wonderful Mother (Happy Mothers Day btw – you amazing, giver of life you!) sat me down at the beach and just said….. ‘You don’t honestly believe you will meet him. You need to look yourself in the mirror everyday and say …today could be the day! And be ready, feel beautiful and prepared everyday before you step out of the house, that is how you can shift it’.
So. I say to you my Dear Friend, we all have something that we let fear get in the way of but maybe, just maybe if we look ourselves in the eye, every morning and tell ourselves otherwise…..it just might change!