Your actions tell me I’m not worth your time which is not ok with me. I deserve better. It rips a little hole in my chest because I’m willing to give you my everything but you’re not willing to share. Time is the most precious gift. Free, but the most valuable thing we have. So. In light of this I am walking away. What you choose to do from here is entirely up to you.
There’s something about today. Maybe because I woke up before the sun. Maybe because I am meeting a man. Maybe because it has been raining all night or maybe because the Full Moon is two days away. It feels melancholy but loaded with potential. Like if you can just see past the ego and tap into the Universal Energy you will feel the love and all the sorrow will drip away from your soul like wax off a candle. Maybe I am just full of hope and love and positivity because today could be the day I meet the man of my dreams. And he becomes my reality.
So many of us constantly feel the urge to escape what it is we are feeling….. we do it with caffeine, sugar, alcohol, drugs….whatever we can get our hands on. I recently went out for coffee (the irony is not lost on me) with a beautiful kind hearted woman I used to work with…. she is struggling with addiction. To alcohol. To weed. She was describing a mutual acquaintance of ours who had been on the clean and sober band wagon for 3 months and then decided to go out and get drunk. So messed up drunk that her pregnant sister had to come and get her…… and I was just sitting there thinking…I know so many of these people. People who have been conditioned into this lifestyle of getting drunk every week its normal. Now I know this isn’t exactly a news flash but why is this happening? What can we do…I do… to help these people? Because I can tell you from the bottom of their soul they don’t want to be like this… a slave to addiction but it is a tale as old of time. How did it get like this? Our society and culture has shaped this behaviour. I know women who go to bed with ‘beer’ or ‘wine’ every night, husbands stinking of their reward for getting through a work day. And I think how sad…. Life wasn’t meant to be numbed but somehow we have fallen for the illusion that it is our prize for living it.
I have a lot of issues. Nobody’s perfect. One such issue is that I am 31 years old and have not found my person. The person who is my sun and sky, who will grow with me, laugh with me, cry with me and everything in between. My sister who is the tender age of 23 has just gotten engaged. She found him at 21. 21 years of age. Believe me when I say from my whole heart and soul that I am happy for her, they are beautiful together. They balance each other out perfectly. So why did I have a massive melt down when I found out they were getting married? Because of fear. Fear that I will never find the one I love. Will never have the life I dream of every night. Fear I will never become a Mum and start my own beautiful little family. Fear. That huge, ugly, horrible monster that lives in everyone’s closet. I fucking hate that monster. So why do I let him rule my world? I don’t. Fucking. Know.
I have done all sorts of healing work. Working on my soul, my energy, on acceptance…. but the one thing I cannot seem to get past is the unwavering belief that I will meet him. I have just never believed it will happen for me. I never truly realised this until today. My wonderful Mother (Happy Mothers Day btw – you amazing, giver of life you!) sat me down at the beach and just said….. ‘You don’t honestly believe you will meet him. You need to look yourself in the mirror everyday and say …today could be the day! And be ready, feel beautiful and prepared everyday before you step out of the house, that is how you can shift it’.
So. I say to you my Dear Friend, we all have something that we let fear get in the way of but maybe, just maybe if we look ourselves in the eye, every morning and tell ourselves otherwise…..it just might change!
I want to pull my soul out from the inside and wear it like a cloak. This is me. My authentic self. How I want to live. From this moment on. But I am still struggling to merge my old self with my new self to form the congruent ultimate me. I understand. I am a human. We’re meant to mess up, stumble, be challenged, feel the pain in the moments that matter to appreciate when happiness comes calling your name. I want to accept everything that is happening to me, I trust you Universe I do but I have control issues…..and I am not sure of your time frame… Do you even have a watch?
Maybe I should just stop my whining and appreciate the simple things, like Sundays full of sunshine, brunch with my biddies, the beautiful place I call home…such sacred space. Lamb roast dinners with my housemates. Thank you.
I have previously mentioned that this little house I share with two other fabulous women has walls covered in quotes. Our favourite quotes. To give us inspiration. To help us remember we’re human. To find love in the hard moments. My favourite of all of these quotes resides in our dining room, its by Courtney A Walsh and she says it like this….
You’ve got it all wrong. You didn’t come here to master unconditional love. That is where you came from and where you’ll return. You came here to learn personal love. Universal love. Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love. Infused with divinity. Lived through by the grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of…..messing up. Often. You didn’t come here to be perfect. You already are. You came to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. And then to rise again into remembering. But unconditional love? Stop telling that story. Love, in truth, doesn’t need ANY other adjectives. It doesn’t require modifiers. It doesn’t require the condition of perfection. It only asks that you show up. And do your best. That you stay present and feel fully. That you shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as YOU. It’s enough. It’s plenty.”
As someone who constantly struggles to live in the present moment and to just be human and not strive for perfection, this quote struck a chord with me and is a great daily reminder to just be me!
Today I had a little tumble. And by little tumble I been bit the dust HARD (tripping over onto concrete with my knees breaking the fall). In the middle of the road in peak hour traffic. Yes. It was so painful. On the upside I didn’t face plant and escaped relatively uninjured apart from my wounded ego that couldn’t even get a quick escape because my body couldn’t move. I didn’t burst into tears and two lovely peak hour traffickers did stop to offer assistance but I pulled myself together dusted that shit off, got up and marched on with my day. However, it has been replaying in my mind. See I like to questions things. I am a why child (must be why my Mum is so crazy). So why did this happen to me? I’m a good person, right? Was I providing entertainment for peak hour drivers to give them a laugh on their journey home? Is it a metaphor to say ‘Hey slow down mofo!’? Did someone see me walking in the middle of the road island and send me bad juju? Am I constantly looking ahead instead of concentrating on what is happening now? Or…. did I just fall over because I am a clumsy eejit!