The funny thing about love is, it never looks like how you’d imagined.
You find him attractive, you both hit it off, and you feel like FINALLY I have found one that has essence. Integrity. Similarities that bond you, differences that intrigue you. Yes let’s ride off into the sunset together.
And then reality hits. The self sabotage begins. The fears come creeping in and it paralyses you. All of your past experiences come back to haunt the challenges you face with him.
What to do…
Run? Fight for it? Ignore and rise above? Numb yourself?
I want to choose the path with the least amount of pain. Is he worth it? Is this what I really want?
You see I believe in universal flow and coincidences and what happens when that stops and you hit the bumpy part of the road? Is it a sign to examine these bumps and see how you can heal them or are they warning signs of the mountains ahead?
I guess the funny thing about love is you have to keep choosing them, as well as yourself, or else it dies.
I’ve recently had a spate of experiences within the customer service realm both as an employee and customer that have left me feeling, quite frankly a little disappointed with humanity.
I realise that it is not easy to run a business and as a society we also have the need for rules and regulations….databases and systems. Organisation and order is a beautiful thing. But. When did these systems and rules override the compassion of allowing humans to be just that. Human. In all of its magical chaos and messiness. Aren’t life lessons the point of our very existence?
Since when is it obscene to see a waiter eat a handful of nuts? Horrific to find the girl behind the reception desk wearing a scarf to keep her neck warm? Distasteful to see a tired cafe worker sipping on some water?
I get it. It is hard economic times but isn’t the happiness and morality of your staff propelling your business forward? Isn’t the aim of the game to work smarter not harder…to encourage your staff to engage whole heartedly in the business and work WITH you to develop ways to make the business grow? Does this nit picky environment of anti human comfort promote this sort of thing? I think not.
I will share a particularly personal story with you displaying my utter dismay at human interaction and compassion recently…
My beautiful little sister is getting married to the man of her dreams, let the excitement and festivities begin!! Of course we needed to go Bridesmaid dress shopping, which inevitably lead to choosing 3 exquisite dresses being put on lay-by from a particularly well know retail giant. A few weeks later we discovered some very exciting news… that one of the Bridesmaids had actually fallen pregnant. What a special time for the family! But alas we must take one Bridesmaid dress out of the lay-by as it will no longer fit by the time of the wedding. Something that should be a simple and straight forward task was like trying to complete an obstacle course with rings of burning fire.
After phoning the desk to explain the situation I was told that we can’t take one dress out of the lay-by and I would need to come into the store, go to the lay-by department and cancel the lay-by and then re submit with just the other two dresses. I was not informed that this would incur any fee or charges to make this change to the lay-by. So, on I went into the store to do exactly that. After explaining the situation to the lay-by Manager she proceeded to inform me that this was not possible and that the only way I could make changes to this lay-by was to pay off the total amount and refund one dress or cancel the lay-by entirely which would mean we would lose our 20% deposit as a cancellation fee regardless of the fact that we would be putting the other two dresses back on lay-by straight away. After a lengthy conversation explaining the SIMPLICITY of the transaction I was asking for, I was told repeatedly that ‘unfortunately our systems don’t work that way’ despite the fact we’re human beings not systems and that this situation was unexpected.
Is anyone else left feeling a little perplexed by this?
Life is not perfect. Things happen and people bend, blur and flat out break the rules. Knowing the difference between helping someone out and doing something illegal is within us all, a guiding force connected to our hearts. The essence of our humanness. Lets listen to it and act from there and maybe we can make a change in this world!
There’s something about today. Maybe because I woke up before the sun. Maybe because I am meeting a man. Maybe because it has been raining all night or maybe because the Full Moon is two days away. It feels melancholy but loaded with potential. Like if you can just see past the ego and tap into the Universal Energy you will feel the love and all the sorrow will drip away from your soul like wax off a candle. Maybe I am just full of hope and love and positivity because today could be the day I meet the man of my dreams. And he becomes my reality.
So many of us constantly feel the urge to escape what it is we are feeling….. we do it with caffeine, sugar, alcohol, drugs….whatever we can get our hands on. I recently went out for coffee (the irony is not lost on me) with a beautiful kind hearted woman I used to work with…. she is struggling with addiction. To alcohol. To weed. She was describing a mutual acquaintance of ours who had been on the clean and sober band wagon for 3 months and then decided to go out and get drunk. So messed up drunk that her pregnant sister had to come and get her…… and I was just sitting there thinking…I know so many of these people. People who have been conditioned into this lifestyle of getting drunk every week its normal. Now I know this isn’t exactly a news flash but why is this happening? What can we do…I do… to help these people? Because I can tell you from the bottom of their soul they don’t want to be like this… a slave to addiction but it is a tale as old of time. How did it get like this? Our society and culture has shaped this behaviour. I know women who go to bed with ‘beer’ or ‘wine’ every night, husbands stinking of their reward for getting through a work day. And I think how sad…. Life wasn’t meant to be numbed but somehow we have fallen for the illusion that it is our prize for living it.
I have a lot of issues. Nobody’s perfect. One such issue is that I am 31 years old and have not found my person. The person who is my sun and sky, who will grow with me, laugh with me, cry with me and everything in between. My sister who is the tender age of 23 has just gotten engaged. She found him at 21. 21 years of age. Believe me when I say from my whole heart and soul that I am happy for her, they are beautiful together. They balance each other out perfectly. So why did I have a massive melt down when I found out they were getting married? Because of fear. Fear that I will never find the one I love. Will never have the life I dream of every night. Fear I will never become a Mum and start my own beautiful little family. Fear. That huge, ugly, horrible monster that lives in everyone’s closet. I fucking hate that monster. So why do I let him rule my world? I don’t. Fucking. Know.
I have done all sorts of healing work. Working on my soul, my energy, on acceptance…. but the one thing I cannot seem to get past is the unwavering belief that I will meet him. I have just never believed it will happen for me. I never truly realised this until today. My wonderful Mother (Happy Mothers Day btw – you amazing, giver of life you!) sat me down at the beach and just said….. ‘You don’t honestly believe you will meet him. You need to look yourself in the mirror everyday and say …today could be the day! And be ready, feel beautiful and prepared everyday before you step out of the house, that is how you can shift it’.
So. I say to you my Dear Friend, we all have something that we let fear get in the way of but maybe, just maybe if we look ourselves in the eye, every morning and tell ourselves otherwise…..it just might change!
I want to pull my soul out from the inside and wear it like a cloak. This is me. My authentic self. How I want to live. From this moment on. But I am still struggling to merge my old self with my new self to form the congruent ultimate me. I understand. I am a human. We’re meant to mess up, stumble, be challenged, feel the pain in the moments that matter to appreciate when happiness comes calling your name. I want to accept everything that is happening to me, I trust you Universe I do but I have control issues…..and I am not sure of your time frame… Do you even have a watch?
Maybe I should just stop my whining and appreciate the simple things, like Sundays full of sunshine, brunch with my biddies, the beautiful place I call home…such sacred space. Lamb roast dinners with my housemates. Thank you.
I have previously mentioned that this little house I share with two other fabulous women has walls covered in quotes. Our favourite quotes. To give us inspiration. To help us remember we’re human. To find love in the hard moments. My favourite of all of these quotes resides in our dining room, its by Courtney A Walsh and she says it like this….
You’ve got it all wrong. You didn’t come here to master unconditional love. That is where you came from and where you’ll return. You came here to learn personal love. Universal love. Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love. Infused with divinity. Lived through by the grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of…..messing up. Often. You didn’t come here to be perfect. You already are. You came to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. And then to rise again into remembering. But unconditional love? Stop telling that story. Love, in truth, doesn’t need ANY other adjectives. It doesn’t require modifiers. It doesn’t require the condition of perfection. It only asks that you show up. And do your best. That you stay present and feel fully. That you shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as YOU. It’s enough. It’s plenty.”
As someone who constantly struggles to live in the present moment and to just be human and not strive for perfection, this quote struck a chord with me and is a great daily reminder to just be me!